Meal Planning and Packaging

Some days I feel like a bug under a microscope, which I guess is better than constantly feeling judged… My Nashua Nutrition order came in today at work, around lunch time, and I was prepared to make my meals and bag them with the day’s vitamins, I have a menu planned out through the 27^th since that’s when my Netrition order will be in (too much money to place both orders on one pay check). Anyhow… I figured, armed with the menu and everything I needed doing it at work would be a lot more expedient than trying to do it at home with my 3 ½ year old, parents, and husband milling about. My son likes to “help” but he’s not very good at it. He’s cute though, sometimes I let him hold open the bags and/or staple them shut.

So what the heck am I talking about? Okay, here it is, I have a grazing problem, I am able to curb it by using prepackaged meals and snacks. I select my menu, place my order, and brown bag each day with food and vitamins, the only thing that doesn’t go in them ahead of time is refrigerated items, I add those the morning of before I leave for work. So far it’s a good system, I’ve been doing it since June (I think). Anyway, the times I’ve tried to do it at home, my son has helped me into frustration, so I wanted to do it at work, had the order delivered here and set about bagging everything up on my lunch break. Smart, right?

I eat at my desk, I don’t like eating with other people, color me crazy, I own it, all part of the recovery process. I always eat at my desk, for the most part people leave me alone (sometimes I have to use flash cards to explain to people I’m on break but most days they get the hint). Anyway, so today, I’m happily working along, making my meals for the next 2 ½ weeks when everyone wants to come by and tell me something. The first one knows better than to comment on anything regarding food and me, I’ve had to tell her to butt out of my diet before. The next two people never knew dia-bese Jenna, the whole time they have worked here I’ve been this weight, so they look at me a little funny, and I feel like they are questioning why I would rely on such bizarre methods for eating, though they are interested in the actual food, cuz I pick good stuff. I don’t believe in deprivation, only moderation and thoughtful choices. I actually enjoy making my menus and entering my meals in the calorie counter to see how well I do, if my overall choices are good, if I chose meals that grant me long term satiety. I think it keeps me sane, while to the next person it looks like I have an eating disorder. I admit I have control issues, but I’m trying to keep myself from developing an eating disorder and I’m fighting a daily battle against diabetes and obesity, but I don’t have a clue how to make that clear to a person who has never seem me with a weight problem without seeming to be begging for attention or even bragging.

I don’t know why it matters, but my vanity does need some satisfaction, I have worked extremely hard to get here, and I have to work even harder to not go back to where I was. Every day is another battle, and I’m in the war until the end of my time, seems extreme and maybe pointless to some people, but it’s my daily struggle and I have to fight with whatever weapons are available at my disposal, this food planning/packaging is just another part of it.

 

On another note, I’ve been getting pretty discouraged with my blood sugar. All but one morning my fasting has been over 100, the night before I got a 93 fasting I ate quinoa and want to experiment further with that. But I’m coming to the realization that I might just have a crappy liver that likes to dump overnight. My sugars around my meals are always fantastic, so I’m pretty sure it’s just a lame liver. While discouraging, at least I have a reason and am not driving myself insane trying to make the impossible happen.

It shouldn’t bother me this much, but it makes me feel a little bit like a failure, but I’m working on those feelings, everything is just a little too personal right now, I’ll be trying to get pregnant in less than a month and considering how rough diabetes was with my son, I just want to avoid that road if at all possible with child number two. I’m so overly prepared for this conception that I already feel pregnant and though there is a slim chance I am, I don’t know for certain. Though it would throw off my timetable and give me a baby closer to Memorial Day then Independence Day (aiming for Dad’s birthday 7/7) part of me wants it now. I want to get the conception over with in part so I know I CAN conceive and the PCOS is gone, and so I can be a month or so ahead of schedule of having to tell people. One less month of waiting to get to the safe zone… but I really wanted a baby born under Cancer to give us all four elements in our little family for perfect balance, we’re also going to Busch Gardens on Saturday and part of my hesitation is I want to ride roller coasters. My period is due next week, so I’ll take a test Friday night and see. Whenever it happens, I’m sure we’ll be delighted whether it’s now or a month from now, though hopefully not later, but even so we would deal and rejoice.

I’ve been experimenting with quinoa more and more, made banana bread with it the other night. I’ll be posting more recipes in the next couple of weeks after my parents head back to NM and I have a little more time to myself.

Until then, take care, and stay strong, we’re in this together!

Easy? Pass!

I've recently come to realize, one of my friends truly is my rock (not to detract from my awesome husband because they are nothing alike except they both love me, but thankfully even that is in different ways!), she’s helped me become the person I am today, and sometimes I take that for granted, take her for granted. We’ve both come so far from the people were when we first met, sometimes I’m trying so hard to put that other me away I accidentally lock up my friend with her. We worked through so much of our trauma together that a lot of our relationship seems to be built on sorrow and heartache, but it’s not, there’s growth and strength there has been a lot of fun too. Sometimes I think of the people who haven’t been through as much crap with me as she has to be closer, but in reality, those relationships are simply more fun and light hearted and don’t hurt as much to look back on, that doesn’t make them better relationships, just easier ones. But at some point these “easy” relationships actually become hard to maintain because the bonds formed in your tougher relationships just aren’t there with the easy ones, so then it becomes effort to get together, to do things, but after all, who cares? You care when you get together, and you always have a good time, but those in between times? All that maintenance? At what point is it no longer worth it?

Sort of like my relationship with myself. Gastric Bypass has not made everything easier, my health is still complicated, my life still has all the ups and downs and spin-arounds I got to ride when I was unhealthy, but I actually care now. Yeah, I’d get irritated at my meter when it gave me a number I didn’t like, sometimes I would try harder, sometimes I’d just pout, but I was never dedicated to making changes. I enjoyed food and lots of it and I didn’t care about the long term consequences, it was easier not to. It was far easier to shoot up extra insulin than to exercise, but eventually even that stopped working, I built too high of a tolerance, and I screwed myself over.

It’s easy to keep snackable food around, easier still to tell myself it’s okay to have protein bars around for the taking, they have protein in them! But that path of easy leads to the road of justification, and those “healthy” protein bars turn into candy bars.

I’m finally learning moderation, and I’m planning ahead more now than ever. I’ve found a way I can still eat things I like (yes, still picking on protein bars) and have them around the house, but they have to be earmarked, bagged, tagged, and stored for specific meals on specific days. I plan my menus at least 2 weeks at a time, for the past  2 weeks, I’ve been using pre-,measured, pre-determined snacks/meals in brown bags, dated and stapled shut. Shakes are added as needed and dinner is lean and green. I’ve gone back to basics, I’ve stopped grazing and my weight is coming back down. I feel in control again, and no, it’s not easy, but it’s worth it. I’m getting pregnant in a few months and I need my body to be in peak condition so I don’t hurt this baby as I did my first born (he’s fine now, but had a rough start to life).

I need to remember that getting away from easy is what put me on this path, I need to keep moving.

My Advice For People Having or Who Have Had WLS

This is very good advice, I promise you. Some you might think is common sense, but WLS can mess with your brain (stupid hormones!) or you might think it’s funny now, until you ignore me, then you’ll remember this entry and smack yourself in your head (please take pictures of that!)

Disclaimer: My sense of humor is somewhere between sarcastic and irreverent, in no way is this meant to be mean, I’m not yelling when I use caps, just stressing the importance of these points. People who know me will think this is hilarious and even hear my voice in their head as they read it (you crazy kids!), and while this info is very important and you are about to or have undergone a major lifestyle change, you can still have fun and be zany, it keeps the neuroses and insanity at bay.

Let’s start with the DO NOTs:

1.      DO NOT WEIGH YOURSELF WHEN YOU GET HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL! Yeah, it’s tempting to see if you lost anything during your operation or the day they made you fast, but do not do it. Lock up your scale before you go in for your procedure and do not break it out again until after at least 1 week. Why? Why?! Why would anyone tell you that? You just had weight-loss surgery you want to see the results, right? WRONG. While you are in the hospital you are getting pumped full of IV fluids, these have weight, you will be heavier than when you went in, and then you will cry or get discouraged or get frustrated. It’s not worth it, lock up the scale until your first check-up. Let your first post-surgery weigh-in be with your doctor.

2.      Do not stock pile vitamins and protein powders before surgery, especially for those of you having RNY Gastric Bypass Surgery YOUR TASTES WILL CHANGE! Everything is too sweet at first, things you loved your entire life will make you want to gag, but in 3 months it could change again, every day is a learning curve. Try things before surgery to get an idea of what is tolerable, but do not stock pile. There are protein powders and RTD shakes EVERYWHERE, I have faith you can find them even in a pinch. My RTD shake of choice in the first few months was EAS AdvantEdge carb control. It’s thin and goes down the poor swollen guts nicely (you may hate it, but it’s the only thing I liked and now I love almost all of everything, I’m a freak) and it’s not strongly flavored. Costco has a thicker RTD shake, made by Premier Protein, which is awesome and PP will send you samples if you ask them nicely (more on that in the DO section).

3.      DO NOT GULP, you may need to relearn how to drink… even if you feel “normal” again, your insides can stay swollen for up to 12 weeks. Drinking will not always be as slow and painful as it is early on. One day you’ll be drinking and it’ll go down normal and you’ll worry you broke your pouch, you didn’t, the swelling just went down and you have more space.

4.      Do not fall into the “Last Meal Syndrome” trap. It’s true, you won’t be able to eat the same way, its not possible, besides, if the amount of food you consume today is non-negotiable, then your weight tomorrow also will be. That said, you can still eat things you love, so don’t go on a binge before surgery because someone told you that you’d never be able to eat it again. They lied, or it’s a problem food for them and they assume it will be for you too. Whatever. It’s true about the alcohol, you shouldn’t have that for the first year (do not mess this up!) and the smoking, but you’re trying to get healthier through WLS… why do you need to get drunk and smoke? Not healthy.

Cross-addictions can be nasty, evil stepchildren, avoid them at all costs, take your first year to establish better, healthier choices and the rest will follow. But back to “You’ll never be able to eat ____ again”. Well one, how important is it? Two, you can still have it, just not nearly so much. Three, if you can’t stop eating it in unhealthy amounts, maybe you should avoid it. But otherwise, all things in moderation, my pets, moderation is your new watchword.

Oh I’m sure there are more, but we’ll leave it there for now.

Onto the JENNA SAYS TO DO THIS List:

1-      To my bra wearing friends, I have one very important bit of advice for you WATERPROOF BANDAIDS. So now you’re probably WTF?! Trust me, you will want them the first time you wear a bra after surgery. One of your incisions is going to be annoyingly under that stiff piece of fabric connecting your bra cups. Nope, my surgeon wasn’t just perverse, all my friends who have had surgery have whined about bra chafing their incision. So tell them to suck it up and deal with a little pain? Do you have any idea how dirty bras can be? Just keep in the incision covered when wearing a bra, it will reduce your risk of the site getting infected.

2-      Fill up your pain pill/syrup (weee!) prescription. Between the hospital and home the morphine may still be doing its job and everything will be hunky dory, until it wears off and then you might start with the screaming. Even if you can tough it out, it’s better to have it on hand, just in case. Do beware of prescription drug cross addictions though. Use as needed, not for recreation.

3-      Consider alternating sleeping accommodations, especially if your bed is low to the ground, some people just roll in and out of bed and that works for them, but me? I slept in our recliner for the first week. You’ve had stomach surgery, you use your stomach muscles to get up and down, darnit. Use caution.

4-      Do get as many samples as you can and hold them until after surgery, this includes chewable vitamins and proteins. Try them one at a time see how it tastes, if your new body likes it. You want chewable or liquid for the first three months (or longer up to you) and you have options. Celebrate Vitamins is in OH, I live in WV I get my stuff next day (they even deliver on Saturdays depending on the carrier), haven’t used Bariatric Advantage, but I like some of their stuff, I get it from Nashua Nutrition in Vermont, 2 days. Check out the list on my blog (first entry) to see who you can get samples from, it’s shockingly easy, they want you to try their stuff because they believe you will love it. They don’t stalk you for months afterward asking you to place an order either.

5-      Do be conscious of your fiber intake. A lot of people go extremely low carb after surgery, which is okay, just get in your 25gms of fiber a day, okay? Add some fiber powder to your shakes (I use generic for benefiber) or try the fiber choice tabs (actually quite yummy). I would advise no expanding fiber for a while (Metamucil etc).

DO, Oh please, DO!!                                                 DON’T-DO NOT-NO WAY!

Get comfortable with the kitchen                               Let fear hold you back

Use a food processor for puree stage                          Use store bought baby food

Keep track of your food intake                                  Depend on dumping syndrome

Keep track of your measurements                              Let the scale dictate your life

Celebrate your victories                                              Let plateaus discourage you

Make friends with thrift stores                                   Buy a lot of clothes in any one size

Join a support group                                                    Be afraid to ask for help

 Take progression pics

Okay, okay, done for now, I’m sure I’ll add to it, but I should get some stuff done now. Take care of yourselves, you’re worth it!!!

See Who I Am

Some days, when I see my reflection I don’t see it as me, and yet when I see old pictures or videos I understand it was me—but no longer and I feel completely removed, like it’s a different person altogether. I wonder if that last part is a self-defense mechanism, having gotten past obesity and not wanting to go back I think my brain is protecting itself, if that wasn’t me, then I won’t ever look like that again.

A lot of my life post weight loss revolves around my appearance, but I don’t know if I can make others understand that while I’m address how I look, it’s not about “looking good” rather equating my appearance with my state of health. Like when I was watching my sons baby shower video (about a month after he was born so can’t say it was pregnancy) I see me, and I just don’t understand how I let things get that bad. I remember at that point I was using an insane amount of insulin, eating too much, not exercising because every time I exercised I had no milk. It was an annoying and vicious cycle. My health was out of control, I was killing myself and I didn’t even know. Therefore, looking like I did in March of 2009=obese, unhealthy, bad.

I look at my wedding pictures, I have them on the walls at home, I’m disturbed by how large I was in them, again, large, diabetic, obese, unhealthy, bad, but that’s only part of the equation. On that day I promised to love my husband forever and give him the best of everything. How long was the forever I could give him? I was eating myself into an early grave. So did I care more about food than the vows I made?

I used to never think all that much about food. I’m a picky eater, always have been, but the food I liked I loved, and I ate a lot of it. I have no self-control, I have very little feeling in my stomach, I did not know when enough was enough, and yet I was shocked by my uncontrollable blood sugar?

How long was I lying to myself? And why did I do it?

In the baby shower video there was a session of interviews and well-wishes, and do you know what was a common theme among everyone? They wished me/us good health and long life. At the time I believed it because my son was in NICU for 10 days, and they worried for his continued health, now I’m pretty sure they were fearful of mine. And why not? It was my lack of health that had him in intensive care, my fault they had to take him early, my fault I couldn’t take care of us.

So you can see why I find it easy to conclude that fat me was ugly, especially on the inside. Selfish, self-serving, uncaring, and uninvolved with my own life. I’m shocked my husband married me. I get yelled at every time I bring this up in conjunction with my weight, but it’s true, why would someone love me when I didn’t even love myself enough to bother taking care of me?

Arguably one could say I didn’t love him since I couldn’t take care of me, I didn’t care about how he would feel if I died. Strangely enough, not true. I have always cared far more about others than I care about myself, but it’s not selfless. It’s just easier to ignore your own issues if you have someone/something else to focus your attention on, and this is something I learned very early in life.

I often wonder why I’ve always been a magnet for damaged people, but I get it now, they didn’t find me, I found them, I needed them.

Today I am where I need to be, physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I’ve overcome a lot of crap to get here, in all of those areas, and I just want to let everyone know, I’m okay. I’m not perfect, but I’m doing just great. Diabetes is in remission, I’m married to the best human being in the entire world (and we’re in love), we have a great son (and plan to try for a daughter in a few months), I love my job, I like my wardrobe, I have energy, and I’m positive about life (and my boobs are coming back!). Yep, things come along and try to wreck things, but they don’t stay, life cycles, and we’re going to continue to be okay, all of us, together.

I Can, I Am, I Will

I can do this, I know I can, I've proved to myself I could over the past two and a half years, so why aren't I? As I've mentioned, I'm not 100% compliant on my food choices, but each day I can make it through without making bad decisions is a day I defeated the self-sabotage monster living inside my head. I feel better about it the next day, but during the day? Some of those days I am white-knuckling under the cravings and desires to be bad. We try, as a family, to keep crap out of the house, with the simple philosophy if you didn't buy it (bring it in the house) you won't eat it. But some days those bad things in the grocery store look soooooooooooo good… and it's hard to not put them in the cart. Welcome to the world of an addict. I used to think I had no addictions, I was wrong, I have one, and it's not exactly one I can quit cold-turkey, every one has to eat, and I LOVE food. I love the textures, the flavors, the scents, the planning, the preparing (not the cleaning up afterwards so much). I'm more obsessed with it than I was before surgery, but I'd like to think it's in a healthier way.

I've got some bounce-back weight I'd like to shed, I want to be at my lowest healthy weight before I have to start putting it on during pregnancy, I'd love to not go over 150 with my next baby, though I just want to state I won't be starving myself or getting malnourished or risk malnourishing my potential baby. I just want to get on the right track now, start breaking those nasty habits and rise to the occasion. There must always be an occasion, I've mentioned I'm an instant gratification kind of girl, it's true. I have to have something I am working towards other than a longer, healthier life. So this phase? Preparing for pregnancy should be enough to keep me behaving. Remembering my son hooked up to tubes, knowing it was my fault, not being able to even hold him for 5 days because of the ventilator… Not this time, I can't do that again. So now it the time to smack down my nasty habits and self-destructive patterns. For one, I need to stop drinking. I'm not an alcoholic (yeah, everyone says that), I've been habitually drinking 3-4 oz of sangria each evening, doesn't sound like much I know, but it became a habit because that little to drink gets me so drunk for about a half hour when before it would have taken the whole bottle and part of a second. It's very entertaining to be able to drink so little and feel so free. It's not the same as before, it's not just happy drunk, I feel high, like when they gave me that delautid (sp??) in the hospital, all from that little bit of wine. But sadly I have learned, I gain weight when I drink those measly 20 calories, not sure why, but it's true, if I go a couple days without any wine then I'm down 3-5 pounds almost instantly even though I've made no other changes… I'm going to take about a month off from drinking, probably have a couple before we start trying for baby, otherwise I'll crave it during my pregnancy and since I won't allow myself to give in, I'll get cranky and I don't want that. So bye-bye booze for the month of July!

Other changes I plan to make this month:

Let me start by saying this, if you are going to bitch at me for wanting to drop a couple pounds then just walk away now, it's my body and this is my choice. As long as I remain healthy in my weight loss that is all that matters. More than cutting a few pounds off, I'm trying to break bad habits and get on the right track in the right state of mind, this will result in weight loss, no two ways around it, and I want my clothes to fit more comfortably again. That said… I plan on doing a modified Focus 28 plan. It's kinda like MediFast only I think their products taste better. I plan to use 4 Focus28 products a day plus my AM shake and my lean and green dinner. It's pretty much eating every 3 hours so my brain won't have time to tell me we are hungry. I'll add another shake at the end of the day if my protein isn't high enough, because I'm psychotic and love my protein shakes, so I don't mind. I don't plan to start it until next pay day, but in the mean time I'm taking control, yesterday was day one, 6 small meals every 3 hours (including shakes) dinner is lean and green (chicken and broccoli in soy sauce last night, the boys had quinoa in addition to theirs), lunch is also lean and green for the time being. When I get through the Focus 28 products I'll make lunch lean and green again and use other protein-filled snacks in place for the other meals. I can do this, I've done it before, I'm doing it right now.

I'm not stressing myself over Zumba anymore, I have enough house work/repairs to keep me moving, plus I plan to set up a TV in the bedroom (the only room with carpet) to start using video exercises, and still plan to hit the weights at the gym. It's summer so the pool is open and my kid loves to swim, I won't be sitting around much, so I don't need to beat myself up over that.

I also want to get more involved in the weight loss community, helping other people makes me do better myself because I hate to be a hypocrite and tell people one thing and not do it myself. To this end, I've been working on my recipes and review page and I'm trying to get a mentor program started with Dr McKenna's group, but I'm waiting for info on existing programs so we can work out what would be best for us.

I guess that's all for now, wish me luck, this journey is on-going, and I have to remember that even though the rules make me feel tied down, they are rules for a reason and need to be followed instead of making me feel suffocated. Need some Stockholm Syndrome here!!

Part II: Why'd Ya Do It?

So, why did I let me insides get cut up and re-arranged? A fine question! I wanted to, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, I was horrified that my son had to spend time in NICU because of my weight and diabetes, and I was scared when I couldn't get my blood sugar under 300 no matter how much insulin I put in my body. Those are the reasons I called up the doctor and went to his seminar. In the seminar I pretty much decided gastric bypass was the choice for me since it touted an 85% cure rate for diabetes!

During the process where I got poked and prodded and learned more about my body than I ever wanted to know, I considered going sleeve instead, but that thought died with my upper-endoscopy. Years of high blood sugar had given me gastric paresis, which in short should have made me lose weight but alas it wasn't to be. Since food was staying in my stomach for 18+ hours every single molecule of sugar was leeching into my bloodstream wreaking havoc with my blood sugar, it was a vicious cycle and there wasn't any way to put a stop to it without surgical intervention. The medication they can give you to make your stomach empty causes irreversible tics and seizures if taken for more than 90 days. No thanks. Because gastric bypass surgery takes away your pyloric valve and gives you a stoma instead, this surgery became the answer I needed. Gravity does the work my vagus (sp??) nerve can no longer perform.

Guess what, it saved my life!

Could I have done it on my own, probably not, but I am doing it now, I just have a little help thanks to my surgeon. It's not easy, I don't have a lot of feeling in my stomach, so it's hard to tell when I'm full. Just like any other "dieter" I have to watch what I eat and exercise, slacking off had consequences that I have to live with, just like any one else.

Now it's time to get ready to have our second and final baby. The people who know what I went through to lose my excess weight constantly ask me if I'm sure I want to ruin my body with another pregnancy… Umm, not planning to ruin my body, my belly is already wrecked from obesity (loose skin and stretch marks) I've lost all the fat from my boobs, what exactly is pregnancy going to do to hurt my "problem" areas? Stretch out the skin with baby and milk? Bring it on I say!! Though the external is incidental. The reason I got this body was so that I could have a healthy second pregnancy. I don't want my next kid to have to spend 10 days in NICU because I'm too obese to keep my blood sugar stable and it has to be delivered 3 weeks early and exist on tubes for a week. No thanks, already survived that hell! I'm doing everything I can to give this kid a better chance. Sure, there may be something out of my control to go wrong, but I need to know I did everything I could to make his/her birth and life as good and healthy as I could, in fact I already have. I've read that children born to mothers as WLS have a lower risk of getting diabetes later in life than the children born prior to WLS. As guilty as I feel for not giving my first born this chance, I'm going to give it to my second born.

So now you know what I did I chose this road, and I don't regret it for a minute.

Part I: Those Annoying Questions/Comments

How many times have you heard:

"Oh look, skinny girl with a fat-complex!"

"You aren't fat, you weight, what a buck oh five soaking wet?"

"Is that all you're going to eat? Are you anorexic or something?"

" Should you be eating that? Didn't you have weight loss surgery?"

"When have you ever had to worry about what you eat?"

Some days I wish I could move away and live somewhere where no one knew me as overweight/obese, where I could be viewed as normal and not a freak because I lost half my body weight with surgical intervention. Then I realize some of the above questions/comments will be thrown at me.

At the same time I get tired of the same questioned being asked, "How did you do it?" "Why did you do that to yourself?" Not to mention the attention from the opposite sex. Don't get me wrong, I love attention, I just don't know what to do with it. I love to be adored, but I hate to get hit on. Yep, total head case here.

So let me introduce myself, my name is Jenna, I had gastric bypass surgery in July 19, 2010 and I lost 106 pounds from my initial weigh in with Dr McKenna. Have I kept off all 106? Nope, I maintain about a 95 pound loss, seating me firmly in the center of "healthy". Am I 100% compliant? Nope, I want to be, but life has a way of interfering with that. Do I strive for 100% compliance? Most days. I'm 100% compliant on my vitamins, I shoot for my 25gm of fiber and I keep my carbs lower than my protein intake. I don't exercise as much as I could, but I still exercise. I don't always make the best food choices but I'm a whiz in the kitchen when it comes to taking bad for you foods and recreating them into something I'm "allowed" to have. My husband and son love my recipes and I hope you'll try them out too (justaskjenna.blogspot.com)

So the questions/comments:

Skinny girl with a fat complex? You betcha, I had bariatric surgery, not brain surgery, I'm still used to seeing the fat girl in the mirror, it's always a shock when I see the new me staring back with a raised eye brow, some times mouthing the words "who the heck are you?" I don't handle putting weight on very well, not because a couple pounds will make me fat, but because where does it end, after you start putting on weight, it's really had to stop the progress or even reverse it. My weight has more or less been stable for over a year now, so my motivation in seeing the scale move weekly has vanished. I like instant gratification, it makes maintenance extremely difficult. When I went over 1000 calories for the first time, I freaked out, after being consistently around 1200 calories per day, I stopped counting, the numbers were driving me nuts, and I decided to rely on clothes, and it worked, for a while, but then the Zumba stopped, the weight wanted to come back, and I'm back to counting calories, carb, fiber, and protein. I had labs done this morning, so in a couple weeks I'll find out if I need to start worrying about fat again (yay for fat mal-absorption post gastric bypass surgery! Too bad it doesn't last forever) I don't mind counting them any more. I know that 1200-1600 is realistic (1200-1400 to lose weight, 1500-1600 to maintain). I DO have a number complex, but I also have avoidance issues and a distorted body image, gotta work with what I've got.

Regarding my weight, I weight around 135 pounds, not 105, 105 is unhealthy for me, the BMI range says anything between 111 and 150 is healthy for me, I disagree and do not plan to ever go under 120, 123 was kinda iffy. I come from people with very solid bodies (and yet I am small boned with a small frame?!) I LIKE weighing in between 125-130, 135 makes my clothes snug, and so 125-130 is my goal weight, I need to get back down there, and I have a plan.

I am not anorexic, I am not bulimic, though weight loss surgery tends to make you look that way. You can't eat a lot at one time and if you do you will vomit, that's just the way it is. Once you change you can't go back to what you used to do unless you want that body back too (talk about a waste of money!) I had to change, just because I'm not eating what you may be used to seeing me eat does not mean I am not eating enough. Just because I do not eat the same thing or amount you eat does not mean my food choices are unhealthy, nor do they make me malnourished. I wish people would stop and look at their own food choices before attacking mine, but that's human nature.

Me and my body know whether or not I can eat something, me and my brain know whether or not I should, so while it may appear to be helpful when you criticize my food choices, remember you are criticizing and may get smacked with some heavy-duty sarcasm.

The way I see it, I'm healthier now than ever, if you disagree, please take it up with doctor or nutritionist or show me your credentials.