Some days I feel like a
bug under a microscope, which I guess is better than constantly feeling judged…
My Nashua Nutrition order came in today at work, around lunch time, and I was
prepared to make my meals and bag them with the day’s vitamins, I have a menu
planned out through the 27th since that’s when my Netrition order will
be in (too much money to place both orders on one pay check). Anyhow… I
figured, armed with the menu and everything I needed doing it at work would be
a lot more expedient than trying to do it at home with my 3 ½ year old,
parents, and husband milling about. My son likes to “help” but he’s not very
good at it. He’s cute though, sometimes I let him hold open the bags and/or
staple them shut.
So what the heck am I talking
about? Okay, here it is, I have a grazing problem, I am able to curb it by
using prepackaged meals and snacks. I select my menu, place my order, and brown
bag each day with food and vitamins, the only thing that doesn’t go in them
ahead of time is refrigerated items, I add those the morning of before I leave
for work. So far it’s a good system, I’ve been doing it since June (I think).
Anyway, the times I’ve tried to do it at home, my son has helped me into frustration,
so I wanted to do it at work, had the order delivered here and set about
bagging everything up on my lunch break. Smart, right?
I eat at my desk, I don’t
like eating with other people, color me crazy, I own it, all part of the
recovery process. I always eat at my desk, for the most part people leave me
alone (sometimes I have to use flash cards to explain to people I’m on break
but most days they get the hint). Anyway, so today, I’m happily working along,
making my meals for the next 2 ½ weeks when everyone wants to come by and tell
me something. The first one knows better than to comment on anything regarding
food and me, I’ve had to tell her to butt out of my diet before. The next two
people never knew dia-bese Jenna, the whole time they have worked here I’ve
been this weight, so they look at me a little funny, and I feel like they are
questioning why I would rely on such bizarre methods for eating, though they
are interested in the actual food, cuz I pick good stuff. I don’t believe in deprivation,
only moderation and thoughtful choices. I actually enjoy making my menus and
entering my meals in the calorie counter to see how well I do, if my overall
choices are good, if I chose meals that grant me long term satiety. I think it
keeps me sane, while to the next person it looks like I have an eating
disorder. I admit I have control issues, but I’m trying to keep myself from
developing an eating disorder and I’m fighting a daily battle against diabetes
and obesity, but I don’t have a clue how to make that clear to a person who has
never seem me with a weight problem without seeming to be begging for attention
or even bragging.
I don’t know why it
matters, but my vanity does need some satisfaction, I have worked extremely
hard to get here, and I have to work even harder to not go back to where I was.
Every day is another battle, and I’m in the war until the end of my time, seems
extreme and maybe pointless to some people, but it’s my daily struggle and I have
to fight with whatever weapons are available at my disposal, this food
planning/packaging is just another part of it.
On another note, I’ve
been getting pretty discouraged with my blood sugar. All but one morning my
fasting has been over 100, the night before I got a 93 fasting I ate quinoa and
want to experiment further with that. But I’m coming to the realization that I
might just have a crappy liver that likes to dump overnight. My sugars around
my meals are always fantastic, so I’m pretty sure it’s just a lame liver. While
discouraging, at least I have a reason and am not driving myself insane trying
to make the impossible happen.
It shouldn’t bother me
this much, but it makes me feel a little bit like a failure, but I’m working on
those feelings, everything is just a little too personal right now, I’ll be
trying to get pregnant in less than a month and considering how rough diabetes
was with my son, I just want to avoid that road if at all possible with child
number two. I’m so overly prepared for this conception that I already feel
pregnant and though there is a slim chance I am, I don’t know for certain. Though
it would throw off my timetable and give me a baby closer to Memorial Day then
Independence Day (aiming for Dad’s birthday 7/7) part of me wants it now. I
want to get the conception over with in part so I know I CAN conceive and the
PCOS is gone, and so I can be a month or so ahead of schedule of having to tell
people. One less month of waiting to get to the safe zone… but I really wanted
a baby born under Cancer to give us all four elements in our little family for
perfect balance, we’re also going to Busch Gardens on Saturday and part of my hesitation
is I want to ride roller coasters. My period is due next week, so I’ll take a
test Friday night and see. Whenever it happens, I’m sure we’ll be delighted
whether it’s now or a month from now, though hopefully not later, but even so
we would deal and rejoice.
I’ve been experimenting
with quinoa more and more, made banana bread with it the other night. I’ll be
posting more recipes in the next couple of weeks after my parents head back to
NM and I have a little more time to myself.
Until then, take care,
and stay strong, we’re in this together!
No comments:
Post a Comment