I Can, I Am, I Will

I can do this, I know I can, I've proved to myself I could over the past two and a half years, so why aren't I? As I've mentioned, I'm not 100% compliant on my food choices, but each day I can make it through without making bad decisions is a day I defeated the self-sabotage monster living inside my head. I feel better about it the next day, but during the day? Some of those days I am white-knuckling under the cravings and desires to be bad. We try, as a family, to keep crap out of the house, with the simple philosophy if you didn't buy it (bring it in the house) you won't eat it. But some days those bad things in the grocery store look soooooooooooo good… and it's hard to not put them in the cart. Welcome to the world of an addict. I used to think I had no addictions, I was wrong, I have one, and it's not exactly one I can quit cold-turkey, every one has to eat, and I LOVE food. I love the textures, the flavors, the scents, the planning, the preparing (not the cleaning up afterwards so much). I'm more obsessed with it than I was before surgery, but I'd like to think it's in a healthier way.

I've got some bounce-back weight I'd like to shed, I want to be at my lowest healthy weight before I have to start putting it on during pregnancy, I'd love to not go over 150 with my next baby, though I just want to state I won't be starving myself or getting malnourished or risk malnourishing my potential baby. I just want to get on the right track now, start breaking those nasty habits and rise to the occasion. There must always be an occasion, I've mentioned I'm an instant gratification kind of girl, it's true. I have to have something I am working towards other than a longer, healthier life. So this phase? Preparing for pregnancy should be enough to keep me behaving. Remembering my son hooked up to tubes, knowing it was my fault, not being able to even hold him for 5 days because of the ventilator… Not this time, I can't do that again. So now it the time to smack down my nasty habits and self-destructive patterns. For one, I need to stop drinking. I'm not an alcoholic (yeah, everyone says that), I've been habitually drinking 3-4 oz of sangria each evening, doesn't sound like much I know, but it became a habit because that little to drink gets me so drunk for about a half hour when before it would have taken the whole bottle and part of a second. It's very entertaining to be able to drink so little and feel so free. It's not the same as before, it's not just happy drunk, I feel high, like when they gave me that delautid (sp??) in the hospital, all from that little bit of wine. But sadly I have learned, I gain weight when I drink those measly 20 calories, not sure why, but it's true, if I go a couple days without any wine then I'm down 3-5 pounds almost instantly even though I've made no other changes… I'm going to take about a month off from drinking, probably have a couple before we start trying for baby, otherwise I'll crave it during my pregnancy and since I won't allow myself to give in, I'll get cranky and I don't want that. So bye-bye booze for the month of July!

Other changes I plan to make this month:

Let me start by saying this, if you are going to bitch at me for wanting to drop a couple pounds then just walk away now, it's my body and this is my choice. As long as I remain healthy in my weight loss that is all that matters. More than cutting a few pounds off, I'm trying to break bad habits and get on the right track in the right state of mind, this will result in weight loss, no two ways around it, and I want my clothes to fit more comfortably again. That said… I plan on doing a modified Focus 28 plan. It's kinda like MediFast only I think their products taste better. I plan to use 4 Focus28 products a day plus my AM shake and my lean and green dinner. It's pretty much eating every 3 hours so my brain won't have time to tell me we are hungry. I'll add another shake at the end of the day if my protein isn't high enough, because I'm psychotic and love my protein shakes, so I don't mind. I don't plan to start it until next pay day, but in the mean time I'm taking control, yesterday was day one, 6 small meals every 3 hours (including shakes) dinner is lean and green (chicken and broccoli in soy sauce last night, the boys had quinoa in addition to theirs), lunch is also lean and green for the time being. When I get through the Focus 28 products I'll make lunch lean and green again and use other protein-filled snacks in place for the other meals. I can do this, I've done it before, I'm doing it right now.

I'm not stressing myself over Zumba anymore, I have enough house work/repairs to keep me moving, plus I plan to set up a TV in the bedroom (the only room with carpet) to start using video exercises, and still plan to hit the weights at the gym. It's summer so the pool is open and my kid loves to swim, I won't be sitting around much, so I don't need to beat myself up over that.

I also want to get more involved in the weight loss community, helping other people makes me do better myself because I hate to be a hypocrite and tell people one thing and not do it myself. To this end, I've been working on my recipes and review page and I'm trying to get a mentor program started with Dr McKenna's group, but I'm waiting for info on existing programs so we can work out what would be best for us.

I guess that's all for now, wish me luck, this journey is on-going, and I have to remember that even though the rules make me feel tied down, they are rules for a reason and need to be followed instead of making me feel suffocated. Need some Stockholm Syndrome here!!